lazy ambitious. the worst kind of stuck.

I think one of the most frustrating things in the world is being lazy ambitious. having dreams but no drive. having all the ideas in your head but doing absolutely nothing about them. it’s exhausting, honestly. to want something so badly and still not move a finger. to tell yourself “i’ll start tomorrow” and then repeat that same sentence for years.

“you’re not tired because you’re doing too much. you’re tired because you’re doing too little of what lights you up.”

i’ve lived in that loop. maybe i still am. i’ll sit for hours scrolling through social media, watching other people chase their dreams. i’ll save videos, read articles, even plan out things in my head. i’ll imagine myself doing big things, being someone, changing the game. but when it’s time to do the work? i stall. i don’t even know what stops me sometimes. fear, maybe. or comfort. or just habit. maybe i’m too used to just existing.

i wanted to be an actress once. no, i didn’t want to, i was sure i would be. because i thought i had it — the face, the confidence, the way i could perform in front of people. i used to kill it in school plays. in college fests. the stage felt like home. people would tell me “you’re meant for this” and i believed it. acting was my thing. my dream. i could feel it. but feelings mean nothing if they’re not backed by effort. and i didn’t put in the effort.

“a dream without action isn’t a dream. it’s a wish.”

i didn’t research auditions. i didn’t sign up for workshops. i didn’t take classes. i did nothing. and i don’t even have a dramatic reason. i was lazy. i assumed things would fall into place. i thought talent and confidence were enough. like some casting director would just bump into me and go “you, i want you in my film.” i was living in a fantasy, fully detached from the work it actually takes.

my parents didn’t support the idea. they said it wasn’t safe. and while i understand their concern, i knew it wasn’t about that. even if they had supported it, i wasn’t ready to fight for it. because deep down, i was scared of trying. of actually doing it and realising maybe i wasn’t good enough. i used their disapproval as a reason to quit. but truthfully, i had already quit inside.

so one day, when i had to pick a career, i did the most random thing. i wrote career options on chits, placed them in front of sai baba, and picked one. that’s how i ended up in PR. not by passion, not by choice. just a literal lottery. and sure, i like talking. i’m good at communicating. i have confidence. i work well with people. it makes sense on paper. but my heart? it still wanders.

i’ve been working in PR for three years now. and some days, it feels alright. it’s stable. it teaches me things. i meet new people. i earn. but on other days, it feels like i’ve betrayed myself. like i gave up on something that once lit me up. and the worst part? i didn’t even TRY.

“you can survive not getting what you want. but can you live with knowing you never even tried?”

that’s the part that haunts me. not the failure. not the rejection. just the fact that i didn’t even give myself a chance. i look back and realise i was too busy dreaming and not doing. and now, i’m 23. and while that’s not old by any means, it’s still three years too late from when i could’ve started.

but here’s the thing. even now, the dream hasn’t fully died. it still pops up. every time i watch a film. every time i see a stage. every time someone tells a story that moves people. something in me still aches for it. and lately, i’ve been asking myself — am i going to let this go without a fight? am i really going to spend the rest of my life calling myself “lazy ambitious” like it’s a cute quirk?

no. because at some point, that’s not a personality. it’s just a way to avoid responsibility. i kept blaming circumstances, timing, lack of support. but the truth is, it was me. it was always me. i didn’t move.

“if nothing changes, nothing changes.”

so i’ve decided i’m done calling myself lazy ambitious. because i’m tired of wasting my potential. i’m tired of talking like i have all the time in the world. i’m tired of being the girl who could’ve done something but didn’t. and even if nothing comes out of it, i want to at least say i tried.

i’ve started researching acting schools. i’m planning to do something, anything, after work. maybe a workshop, maybe a course, maybe just practice. something that makes me feel like i’m not stuck anymore. because even small steps count. even the act of trying shifts something inside you.

“you don’t need to be ready. you just need to begin.”

if you’ve ever felt like this — like you have something in you that never got its chance — please don’t ignore it. don’t be the person who only dreams. be the one who at least tried. it doesn’t have to become your career. but it deserves to be explored. because if it matters to you, it matters. that’s enough.

lazy ambitious is not who i want to be anymore. i want to stop hiding behind it and start becoming something real. it’s time!!